It’s (q men) not Come in

If you remember the 80’s there was a band named the human League and they sang a song called I’m only Human. Since we are dedicated to culinary endeavors and bad puns, we have taken the name of one of the world’s most popular and underappreciated spices and put it to use in place of human. This site is dedicated to all those who feel that life is a constant battle to impress. Here, we take a can-do approach to all things culinary and want to de-mystify common misconceptions about fine dining. Many people are overwhelmed by 12 step recipes. The only 12 step recipes you should be afraid of are rehab programs. Here we have a simple philosophy: “It’s not life or death.” There are times to panic and scream (like when you are being dismembered by an axe murderer). If you are in a kitchen, don’t panic. People have been cooking for millennia. The first humans were in danger of being eaten alive when they cooked. You, on the other hand are in danger of burning a roast, the boss is coming for dinner, or it’s a first date. Everything needs to be perfect. Relax! There is no such thing as perfect. Our message to you: lighten up. It’s only dinner and in the end, we are only cumin…

If you are offended by silly puns, you had best leave now. On the other hand, maybe you ended up here looking for parody lyrics to 80’s pop songs. If so, welcome. Let me start by introducing myself. I am a seasoned and grizzled chef with 4 decades of experience in high end cuisine. I started out as a dishwasher in one of the best country clubs in the Boston suburbs and worked my way up the ranks. I have cooked and managed kitchens in country clubs, hotels, freestanding restaurants, catering companies, and even a small high end retirement home. The common theme in all these places was a dedication to excellence and cooking from scratch. Whether it was lobster thermador or a grilled cheese sandwich, it had to look good, smell good, taste good, and give a sense of pride. We had a saying on the plating line, “Every plate: a picture.” And, I’m not talking about girls on film (I didn’t forget your bad 80’s song references).

I did not seek out James Beard awards or any other accolades (Although I worked with over a half -dozen award winning companies). I don’t believe staged awards capture the magic of pleasing palates. I find the greatest satisfaction from impressing people one dish at a time. Just like a comedian works for one laugh at a time, I started with one plate at a time. And, like the comedian working a bigger room for more laughs, I started catering to impress more patrons in one seating. The motto of the caterer I worked for for 17 years was “providing entertainment for your tastebuds.” That is what I still do to this day. What I learned along the way is don’t worry, cook happy! I told you the puns will be bad!

Through the years I discovered that nothing ever goes as planned. You need to remain fluid and not let things bother you. You learn to work smarter, not harder. I had a sous chef who once taught me some shortcuts to simplify the job through organization. He said, “I learned this because I am lazy. It makes my job easier.” In this case laziness, not necessity, is the mother of invention. Indeed, finding easier ways to do things and free up your time is what makes the world go “round and round” today… ( I didn’t forget your hair- band quotes)

The recent explosion of companies like Blue apron, Hello Fresh, and others offering DIY cooking kits has made it abundantly clear that people are indeed lazy. Basically, they give you a recipe and the ingredients to pull it off. But, you still have to do the work. That’s not true laziness. Why are you still doing the work? If I want to be lazy, I ask someone else to order delivery for me because I can’t be bothered to even pick up the phone. That’s lazy. None of this mamby- pamby get a box of ingredients and then have to go chop, heat, saute, bake, and plate my own meal crap. Home delivery. That’s the way to go. Get someone else to do everything. Then you can continue lazing on a sunny afternoon.

The fact that you are getting meal kits tells me you aren’t afraid of going into the kitchen, you just want someone to do the planning for you. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. There are definitely times that getting a head start is appreciated. But, how hard is it to google a recipe and go shopping? With a little pre-planning and basic understanding of food you can save yourself plenty of time and money. Then you can listen to Time, and Money, on Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of The Moon.

What we are hoping to do here is help you understand how to utilize what you have instead of buying a kit for every meal. With a basic understanding of culinary principles you will be fine. By stocking your pantry and fridge with the right ingredients you can create meals on the fly. The biggest obstacle to easy cooking is a false sense of insecurity. What if I cut myself? What if I burn something or overcook it? What if I don’t have coriander? What if my souffle falls? What if a giant bear being mind -controlled by aliens breaks into my kitchen, abducts me, probes me, and puts me back in the kitchen only to find the cake I had only half finished is poisoned by government spies sent by the deep state to force my kids to buy miniature Estonian flags and sell them to Bolivian drug dealers intent on tearing down the wall and violating anti-trust laws by creating a monopoly on the sale of George Foreman Grilles? Phew! All valid fears. But, highly unlikely (maybe the bear…). No matter what happens a simple reminder is all you need, one little mantra to repeat: “I can do this.” If your food comes out differently than you expected, just sing, “Another one bites the dust.” But, you won’t get it wrong as long as your ingredients are compatible. It is a theory that will net edible results “time after time.” (I warned you about the song references!)

This page is intended to be a resource for you to learn to trust yourself. If we do our job we may inspire you to cook to impress without excessive stress. I am currently working on a book with a working title, “Precision is not an option.” It may or may not see the light of day. But, that concept is a guiding principle I wish to impart to anyone concerned about how their meals are going to come out. The theory is based on Murphy’s law. Nothing is ever perfect. And, if something can go wrong, it will. That is perfectly fine. You will never find 2 potatoes that are exactly alike. But, you can get something close enough. Don’t beat yourself up over natural differences in product. And, if you planned to cook something perfect that comes out a little different, you call it “rustic.” If you make a mistake, don’t fret. As Jeff Spicoli once said, “Relax, all right? My old man is a television repairman, he’s got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.”

I understand the impulse to only accept perfection. I have had cognitive dissonance with accepting imperfection throughout my entire career. I live by the mantra that good enough is not good enough. This is the mantra of excellence. It means you don’t send out a dish until it is perfect. But, in the real world, perfection is a relative thing, subjective at best. How many times have you looked up a recipe because someone called it the “perfect” pizza crust? One person’s idea of perfect is not the same as the next. You can create fail- proof systems, but they are never precise. For instance, baking requires precise measurement of ingredients. But, what happens when you are at a high- altitude or during a rainstorm? The moisture content in the air and the density of the air itself are modified. Therefore, your recipe will come out a little bit different depending on where you are. We all know what happens when someone leaves a cake out in the rain.

There will be times when you want everything to be perfect. If you are preparing a state dinner for the King of wishful thinking for instance. But, even he is accepting of imperfection. Hell, his line is, “I’ll get over you. I know I will.” The first step to having confidence, whether in the kitchen or life in general is to get over your fear of failure. As mentioned above, you can always change what you call your dish or you can try to fix it. If something is beyond repair , there is always another option. You left a roast in the oven for 4 hours and now it is tough and dry? Cut it up and turn it into stew. You over boiled an egg? It’s an egg! It cost 10 cents. Boil a new one. Repair or replace. There are always ways around things.

This concept is not just a way to view life in the kitchen. It is one of the immutable facts of life (like bad 80’s references). No matter what you do in life you have the power to accept, reject, or change whatever is before you. If you have a crappy job, look for another one. You want a new TV, save money to afford it. Your spouse won’t do the dishes, offer an incentive. The dog eats your slippers, move them where he can’t get them. Your souffle fell, it’s now a fancy dessert pancake. You just invented a new dish. You don’t know what to make for dinner? ask a chef. Life gives you lemons? Sell them to Minute maid and retire with a nice nest egg…

We are here to help. Whether it is inspiration or practical tips. It can be found here. There are plenty of sites that tell you how to do things. But, they center on step by step rules. Rules are meant to be broken and changed. Living your life as a work of art is far more alluring than cookie cutter recipes. Remember “Rebel Rebel? You’ve torn your dress? Your face is a mess?” Some would find that unattractive. Yet, it evokes the chorus of “I love you so.” Don’t forget to love yourself and not worry about the daunting task of putting dinner on the table. You don’t need to earn a 6 or 7 figure salary or be an award winning chef to provide an elegant meal to friends, family, or distinguished guests. With a little guidance you can turn, “What?” into “Wow.” Along the way, we can provide a little international flair by adding the Cumin touch (groan).

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