Short, Stout, and Surefooted
Fans of Guinness unite! It’s international Stout Day. No, we’re not talking about short, stocky people. This is the beer. Although, both have a reputation for toughness. Short, Stout, and Surefooted are hallmarks of many an Irish Pub Brawler. And, Stout is often what gets them to the point of bellicosity. Unfortunately, the stereotype of a belligerent fighting Irishman is often associated with stout. But, it doesn’t have to be.
Stout is to beer what Espresso is to coffee. And, just like espresso, the name and effect are misleading in modern days. The original term stout applied to beer of a heavy alcohol content (7 to 8%) in the 17th century. In the 18th century, Porters became a commercially available product, basically, a dark ale. Stout Porters were stronger variations. But, Guinness stout is the most popular brand today, and it only has 4.2% alcohol. It’s like espresso because, espresso has lower caffeine than regular coffee. Both stout and espresso, now refer to heavily roasted beans. This doesn’t mean you can’t get a strong stout or espresso. But, many are more about the flavor than the alcohol, which is a total reversal of the original concept.
This isn’t to disparage Guinness. It’s a wonderful beverage. But, people who think they get drunker on it, are misguided. And, the reason it leads to fights isn’t because of the alcohol. More likely, it’s the A–hole drinking it. That and the dozen or so shots of Jameson between stouts.
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So, what exactly is short, stout, and surefooted?
Guinness is served in a tall Pint glass. But, if you go to an artisan brewery, most stouts come in a short glass, often akin to a brandy snifter. In most cases, this has to do with the strength of the stout, it’s heavy flavor, and a reversion to the high alcohol content originally referred to in the name stout. While Guinness has it’s trademark head, it’s not a prerequisite for all stouts. The thick froth is made by a nitrogen assisted tap system. And, when done properly, it’s a work of art. Stout is actually a pretty fluid term. And, styles like Porter, Schwarzbier, and Bock further confuse the genre. Technically, there is a difference. But, modern brewers blur the lines.
Traditionally, Stout is a top fermented beer, basically a lager, made with dark roasted malts. It is malt forward, and light on hops. So, the bitterness you taste is, more often, the result of the heavy roasting of the malt. Again, think of dark vs light roasted coffee. But, don’t blame yourself for not knowing the difference between the different dark beers. Remember, Stout used to refer to particularly strong ales. The association with dark beer came when “Stout Porters” came out (300 years ago). So, technically, stout is a form of porter. Bock and Schwarzbier are forms of Dunkel, AKA Dark beers, with German origins. Stouts and porters developed in British and Irish traditions. Since different brewers blur the lines between the styles, there really is no set difference between them. Although, The German variations tend to have higher alcohol, and often incorporate wheat with the malts.
How to celebrate
Since stout is a fluid definition, it makes sense that there are many variations. All of them tend to have a creamy, filling texture. While other dark beers tend to be just that: dark beers, Stout tastes and feels like liquid bread. Is there a more appropriate metaphor for a celebration or gathering? Jesus Broke bread with his disciples. But, the tradition predates and transcends that famous example. It was part of Egyptian and Jewish culture at that time. Today, it is a metaphor for finding common ground, developing, and cementing friendships and bonds. If you’ve ever spent any time in an Irish pub, you know stout does exactly that. While it helps to have Irish ancestry, you can’t help but bond with your pub mates over a pint. Stout fills you with a warm feeling that yearns to be shared.
Of course, there may come a point in the night when an errant slip of the tongue results in fisticuffs. But, the next day, you’re back to being comrades. So, to celebrate national stout day, you have many options. You can visit a pub where they pour the perfect pint. Or you can bring home some of the black gold yourself. As mentioned above, Guinness is best from their specialized taps that create the signature head. But, remember, stout does take on many forms. There are milk stouts, oatmeal, coffee, chocolate, Imperial, and more. While most beers are fine in a can or bottle, though, you probably want to pour your stout into a glass. Using a glass opens up the aroma, color, and flavors of the stout. Whether it’s a traditional pint glass or a short, stout, and surefooted snifter, you will enjoy your liquid bread, and make friends.
Send some to The Middle east
Perhaps, instead of weapons, we should send stout to places like Israel, Gaza, Russia, and Ukraine. If it starts and resolves pub fights, why not try it on a larger scale? Why does peace have to be such a hard thing, when breaking bread (or drinking liquid bread) can solve so many problems? Of course, it didn’t work so well for North and south Ireland. But, today, there is relative peace between the two. Isn’t that what we want between these current conflicts? For F—‘s sake! You all believe in the same God, just different messengers. Whether it’s Moses, Jesus, or Muhammad, they all represent the “almighty father”. What are we, teeny boppers fighting over which Jonas Brother is cutest? Transubstantiation, consubstantiation? Who gives a flyin’ f–k? Sit down, drink your stout, and relax. We’re all human f’ing beings.
Is it really that hard to comprehend? Shakespeare, in the Merchant of Venice, famously summed up the Jewish Plight with the “If you prick us, do we not bleed” passage. Unfortunately, it’s the last line in that passage that has become the mantra: “If you wrong us, shall we not revenge”. But, as we know from the play, that revenge does not come, and with revenge comes a heavy price. It takes away your humanity. The Jews have a long, long history of being wronged, targeted, scapegoated, maligned, and annihilated. So, they have a right to want to stop the aggression. But, they have also mistreated their Palestinian neighbors. So, both are wrong. And, the Hamas attack was the exact wrong thing to do. The problem is, neither side is negotiating in good faith.
And, the big stumbling block is religion again. As a reminder: You all pray to the same F’ing god, just a different messenger, ya’ twits!
Are we the kindergarten teacher?
The US and allies seem to be in a position of being the adult in the room in these type of conflicts. Of course, every major player has been guilty of acting childishly as well. Look at the current political landscape across the globe: “I’m right, you’re fake news”. WTF! It comes down to either: I want your stuff, I want to control you, or you don’t believe the same crap as me, so you’re a threat that needs to be eliminated. It’s childish behavior, and it keeps happening. The problem is, instead of resulting in a broken toy or a little bruise, it results in mass destruction and death. And, it completely erodes our humanity. Religion and property are the root cause of pretty much every war.
So, just stop it! Don’t make me say it again, mister. I don’t care who started it, it ends here. Sit the F down, drink your stout, and work this out! But, he started it… No! I said: STFU! Now let’s be good girls and boys and get along.
Back to the Pint and being short, stout, and surefooted
Sorry for the tangent, but, it illustrates a point. Sharing a beer is the modern equivalent of breaking bread. It’s even a bit of a litmus test for political candidates. Who would you rather sit down and have a beer with? It shouldn’t matter. After a couple beers, even the stiffest people tend to loosen up a bit. And, stout, beyond the beer effect, is also filling. So, you get a warm, comfortable glow from being fed and a bit buzzed. With flavors of Bread, chocolate, caramel, and coffee, it sounds like breakfast in a glass. And, as a bonus, it helps bring about world peace. What’s not to like?
Of course, there are detractors. Yes, it is heavy. So, you can’t just swill it down (although, some try). While some beers are made for speed, stout is decidedly made for comfort. And, it has some versatility in cooking as well. While lighter beers find their way into things like fish and chips, stout contributes well to heartier dishes like stews, and desserts. Think of a Guinness mocha torte or a stout infused lamb stew. It even makes a good gravy. So, in addition to being your liquid bread, stout can be part of the whole meal. Now you have your assignment for the day: Be short, stout, and surefooted, Drink some stout, Cook with stout, and Create world peace. Here’s a stout bread recipe to start, This way you can break bread together. Your assignment is due by midnight.
Cheers!
Oatmeal Stout Brown Bread
Ingredients
- 1 Cup Oats, not instant, plus extra for topping the bread
- 2 Cups Wheat Flour
- 1/2 Cup Bread or AP Flour
- 1/3 Cup Brown Sugar
- 1/3 Cup Molasses
- 1 Tbsp Baking Soda
- 1 tsp Baking Powder
- 1 tsp Kosher salt
- 12 oz Stout beer, Oatmeal stout works best, but others will do.
- 1 Cup Sour Cream
- 1 Stick Unsalted Butter, Melted
- 1 tsp Vanilla Extract
- 1 Stick European style butter for brushing the pan and top of bread.
Instructions
- Preheat oven to 400
- Whisk together all wet ingredients: Stout, vanilla, melted butter, sour cream, and molasses.
- Mix all dry ingredients in a separate bowl. Make a well in the middle of the dry ingredients. Add in the wet ingredients in the middle, then knead them together. The final dough will resemble cake batter.
- Brush a 9×5 bread pan or a 9 inch cake pan with some melted butter. Pour in the batter. Brush the top with more butter, and sprinkle oats on top.
- bake at 400 for about 45 minutes. test that it is done by sticking a toothpick in. If it comes out dry, it's done.
Vegan Ginger Stout Eggplant With Dates
Ingredients
- 2 Lb Fresh Eggplant
- 1 Cup Oat or almond Milk
- 2 Bottles Oatmeal Stout
- 1/2 Cup Molasses, plus 1 Tbsp for marinade
- 2 Cups Gram Flour May substitute other flour
- 1 tsp Ground Allspice
- 1 tsp Ground Cumin
- 1 tsp Ground Coriander
- 4 Cup Vegetable Broth
- 1 Cup Sweet Onion, diced
- 1 tsp Chopped Fresh Garlic
- 2 Tbsp Chopped Fresh Ginger
- 2 Cups Pitted dates
- 1 Cup Dried Apricots
- 2 Cups Sweet Potato, cut in 1 inch cubes
- 1 Cup Sweet Bell Peppers (preferably red) in 1 inch pieces
- 1 Cup Cooked or canned Chic Peas
- 1 Cup Green Beans, cut into 1 inch lengths
- 1/2 Cup Roasted Cashews (Optional)
- 2 Tbsp Chopped Fresh Scallion
- 1 Tbsp Chopped Fresh Cilantro
- 2 Tbsp Corn starch plus water to make a slurry
- Coconut oil for Sauteing and frying
- Salt and Pepper to taste
Instructions
- Peel The Eggplant and Cut into 1/4 inch thick Rounds or planks. Mix 1/2 bottle of stout, the garlic, 1/2 of the ginger, the oat milk, 1 Tbsp Molasses, and a little salt and pepper. Marinate the eggplant in this for at least an hour. While this is marinating, cut all your other vegetables, and get your mis en place together for preparing the dish. Set up a frying station: Oil in a pot or fryer, spider or baskets to remove the fried eggplant, and paper towel lined pan to absorb the excess oil.
- Heat a thin layer of oil in a heavy, high sided, pan (a sauteusse or rondeau if you want to get technical). Saute Onion and ginger until Translucent. Add in the sweet Potato. Lightly brown the potatoes and stir as needed.
- Add in the stout and molasses. Cook Down until the liquid has reduced by 1/2. Then, add the vegetable broth. Cook Down until about 3/4 the volume of liquid remains.
- Add in the dried fruit and Chic Peas. Simmer for about 2 minutes until the dry fruit plumps a bit. Add in remaining ingredients (except gram flour). Bring back to a boil, and stir in the corn starch that has been mixed with water to make a slurry. It will thicken to a nice glaze. Adjust seasoning. And set aside.
- Heat oil for frying to 350 degrees. Drain the marinade off the eggplant. Season the gram flour with a dash of allspice, salt, and pepper. Evenly coat the eggplant slices with the gram flour. Place the slices in the oil and fry until golden brown. Drain on paper towels. Repeat as necessary.
- Place the "ragout" (Sauce with vegetables, etc) in a bowl and top with the eggplant. Serve while still hot. make Sure you have plenty of extra stout to drink with it.